I dreaded Valentines day when I was young… for days I would be a bundle of bloody nerves, worried that the only cards I would get would be from my mother and my Nana, or worse still the boy I was sending mine to would think I was a minger and show my 2-foot tall stuffed silky card to all the dickheads at the back of the school bus!
Ohhhh it was torturous!
The most extravagant gift I ever received was a monstrous bouquet of 100 red roses. At first glance I was delighted, if slightly embarrassed, and bowled over by the grand gesture sitting on my desk. I even managed to overlook the accompanying neon pink teddy bear and the day-glow helium balloon floating above it stating ‘Be Mine Valentine’.
But I am afraid to say I could not overlook the fact that the roses were freakin’ plastic! PLASTIC, PLASTIC!
Yes I am shouting!
That relationship fizzled out pretty swiftly after that…
Scandiman and I have decided not to buy each other anything this year instead I am going to cook us a nice supper and drink enough wine to send me into a slight stupor – it is a school night after all!
But if you want to surprise your lover with a simple last minute Valentines gift, look no further, I have done masses of research, ahem, and compiled a list of five stupidly simple ways to rev up the passion!
- Dinner a deux (ha ha ha)
Whip up a nice dinner or grab a Marks & Spencer meal deal thingy and enjoy with a nice bottle of vino!
There is not a sniff that Scandiman and I are going to be able to have a romantic dinner for two, our dinner will involve shouting, food being eaten with fingers, dropped on floor and spat out, it might also include a bit of penis flashing, arguing and someone sitting under the table wanting to be fed like a dog.
But it will also include heart shaped pasta that I picked up in Lidl, tossed through a fresh tomato sauce, with clams, white wine, garlic and parsley, and there will be Chablis… lots of Chablis and chocolate milk.
So our dinner will be special and it will be romantic, it’s all in the mind you see, and my mind will be somewhere else!
2. Seduction is key…
I just read a tip on this website, that advised getting home early from work, decorating the house with tea lights, slipping into some sexy underwear and dragging your lover upstairs for a bit of rumpy pumpy as soon as they walk through the door.
Not sure this would work for me really… Mid romp someone would be standing at the foot of our bed asking for a Nutella sandwich and a glass of milk. Or I’d get in early, take advantage of the peace, have a little lie down on the sofa in my stockings and invariably fall fast asleep only to be woken by the waterman, barging in with my weekly delivery of fizzy water.
3. Get The Kids To Do The Hard Work
If you can cope with glue, glitter and stickers mid week this is a marvellous tip to impress your loved one without you actually having to do anything yourself, other than clear up and order the children about a bit.
Simply draw a few hearts, and let your children decorate them, then simply cut out the heart and mount onto a plain piece of paper and write a slushy message on the back ‘Worlds Greatest Dad’ kinda schmaltz, and Voila!
It’s a hard-hearted fecker who doesn’t smile and scoop you into his arms at that little gesture, even if in his head he’s thinking, “The tight cow hasn’t bloody bought me anything again!”
4. Write a Sweet Love Note
Ok before you run off and vomit, let me just say in my defence that I am not particularly romantic and I am certainly not sentimental, but the most romantic Valentines gift I ever received was alove note from Scandiman stating how much he fancied and wanted to bonk me.
It is a treasured gift, which I have kept close to my heart for 15 years…
I can’t find it now like, but it’s here somewhere!
5. The Final Straw
If all else fails and you really can’t find the time or the energy to prepare a token of your love for your Valentine there are two final options.
Fellas, offer to do the ironing/unloading of dishwasher/toilet cleaning/school run for a whole week. And ladies, just take your nightie off and get your arse into bed.
Happy Valentines Y’all! xxx