Did you have the birds and the bees talk with your parents when you were a kid?
I didn’t… I never got that talk.
My sex education came from the pages of ‘Just Seventeen’ magazine and a friend who showed me her Granddad’s stash of porn in his upstairs toilet, whilst we were hanging out of his bathroom window puffing our way through ten Regal Kingsize.
I think my Mum was too shy to talk ‘intimate’ with me… bless her.
I’m not bothered that we didn’t have THAT CHAT, I think I might have died of mortification if I’d heard my mother use the word ‘ejaculate’ or ‘vagina’, never-mind ‘testicles’ or heaven forbid, ‘sperm’!
But now that I am a mother, I do want to be able to chew the fat openly with my kids about sex. I want them to be cool around sex. Not as cool so as that they are humping in my house like a bunch of adolescent rabbits on viagra mind you, but coolish, know what I mean?
I am happy to report that we are pretty open minded in our gaff. In fact, not a day goes by without willy talk or flashing of thrupney bits. We are not ashamed of our bodies , although I wish Scandiman would be a bit more ashamed of his todger sometimes, know what I’m sayin’?
But it did come as a bit of a shock to me yesterday, when my daughter, aged 10, came up to me with the card pictured below, that someone had sent to her father for his birthday and asked me, ”Mama, what are these people doing?”.
I nearly bloody choked on my muesli!
Obviously I grabbed it off her and spluttered, “They are cuddling, now go and clean your teeth!”
Honest to bloody god, what kind of ‘mature-I’m-cool-hip-with-the-kids-kinda-mama’ comment is that to say, FFS????
I can see it now… “Darling, remember when you kiss your first boyfriend you’ll have to marry him, and don’t you go off cycling when you have your monthly visitor, coz you might get pregnant!”
I felt like a damn Victorian!
In my defence, I had expected our first foray into sexytime to be a little more subdued. Seeing a big-knockered neon-blond getting busy with a tango-tastic ginger cartoon character in 31 positions, poised in front of a selection of Gran Canaria’s top tourist attractions was not what I’d bargained for!
So I have decided to re-tackle the issue when she get’s in from school.
I have dug out a great little book I bought a few years back called ‘Mummy Laid An Egg’ by Babette Cole. It’s a short, brilliantly illustrated book which comically but cleverly explains the basics about sex, it’s probably a bit young for Victoria, but it’s a start…
I shall be forthright and cool, I won’t blush or make jokes. I shall handle this straight-forward essential topic with the sensitivity and simplicity it deserves. I shall be a grown-up.
But I swear to god if she mentions oral, I’m getting the f*%k outta here!